The Real Life of Doug
by luna lovegood
Summary: Just a day in the life of Doug Funnie. Er.. Not quite like the tv show but still a good laugh.


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A/N: It's a vulgar world out there. This has swearing and suggestive sexual content. Please, if you're not a stupid teenager or older, don't read this. It will pollute your mind.

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"Hey Doug!" Patti Mayonnaise yelled over to me. She was so beautiful. Whenever I came into any contact with her, or talked to her, little hearts would form above my head and my little soldier would stand up. That's right. Patti excited me in so many ways. I always hoped she could never see that tent in my pants.

"Oh, uh.. hey Patti." I tried to respond casually as I felt my erection grow.

"Do you wanna come to the Honker Burger with us today after school?"

"Sure Patti.. I'd.. love.. that.." I always got this really weird tone after the hearts around my head. Patti didn't seem phased by my airy tone.

"Okay. We'll see you around six then." She walked off to class.

"Hey Doug. Honk. Honk." Skeeter loved playing with his voice and making honking noises, but this was normal too.

"Patti invited me to the Honker Burger today after school."

"Yah man, everyone is going."

Wow. Skeeter sure had a good way of crushing my hopes and fantasies. Ah well. The bell rang and we all went into Ms. Wingo's class, so I didn't have to deal with that blue bastard any longer.

Ms. Wingo's class was a joke. I don't have any thoughts about my career or grades, so I just doodle in class all day. I draw comics. I made up a series on a super hero named Quail Man. Yes. Quail Man. My hero. I wanted to be Quail Man, so I drew him to look exactly like me, except he has a belt on his head and he wears his underwear on the outside of his pants. Free, yet fashionable.

The villain was always different though. The villain in this episode was named Girl-Snatching-Bad-Guy. Yeah. That's clever. Who should Girl-Snatching-Bad-Guy kidnap? Patti of course. Then I could save her and hope for some action. I drew this. Patti wasn't wearing much, a very revealing costume, which just barely censored everything properly. Quail Man and Quail Dog flew over to Girl-Snatching-Bad-Guy and just simply gave him the evil quail eye. This left him feeling hopeless and stupefied. Defeat was simple.

"Oh Quail Man! You're my hero!" Patti said to him, as she kissed him softly. Quail Man pressed her to him, and the background suddenly faded off into a heart-shaped bed in a fancy hotel suite.

"Hey Funnie! Whatcha drawing?" Rodger Klutz looked over my shoulder. Dammit. Hide the comics, stupid.

"Doug? Is there anything you'd like to share with the class?" Ms. Wingo noticed that I hadn't been paying attention to whatever she was attempting to teach us.

"Funnie is drawing erotic doodles!" Rodger tattled. That ass face.

"Doug. Bring your drawings forward please." Oh no, I'm screwed. Patti looked over at me, confused from her desk. I hid my newest comic, and gave her yesterday's comic. Which portrayed Ms. Wingo as a hippo. She just gave me detention. I had to write "Ms. Wingo is not a hippo." on a dusty old chalkboard 3,000 times.

After that punishment, my hands felt numb. I decided to ask Mr. Dink if he had anything to help. That guy has the randomest crap in his house, something in there has to fix my hands.

"Hey Douglas!" He called over to me.

"Hi there, Mr. Dink."

"How'd ya like to try out this latest invention? It's called the fantasy reader. Very expensive." That goofy bastard. He just had to buy everything he saw. Most of the stuff he bought sucked. It always malfunctioned and screwed things up. But, like every episode of my life, I allowed Mr. Dink to show me his latest piece of junk.

"Sure, what's it do?"

"It measures your brain waves, then determines your greatest fantasies here on this screen. Here, I'll show you how it works." Mr. Dink put on an enormous helmet, pressed a few buttons, and on the TV screen it showed a clear blue sky. Then, unexpectedly, a few clouds came under Mr. Dink and it started to rain donuts on him. That can't be healthy.

I thought about what would appear on the screen if I tried that thing. Oh damn. Mr. Dink can't see that sort of content. I fantasize about Patti constantly, and not the way an eleven and a half year old boy should.

"Gee Mr. Dink, that sure sounds wonderful, but I really gotta get going, I'm meeting the gang at the Honker Burger soon."

"Oh it'll only take two seconds." Crazy bastard. He had already put the helmet on my head and was pressing the buttons. Before I could really try to escape, I saw a beautiful beach. I was in my dorky swim trunks, and I was with Patti. We were making out on a beach towel, and I had started to untie the strings of her bathing suit. She didn't stop me, she seemed as willing as I was. The final bit of sun had just set, and I knew what would come next in this fantasy. Mr. Dink looked alarmed and embarrassed. I smiled slightly. It had been great to see it on the screen.

"Douglas.. don't tell your parents that you got them from me, but I think that you'll need if you have thoughts like that." Mr. Dink winked and handed me a paper bag full of Trojan condoms. That must have been the weirdest moment of my life. I just walked home, embarrassed.

I hid the condoms in my closet in a shoebox with all my old Bluff scout stuff. Then I went down to the Honker Burger. Skeeter was right, everyone else was there too. Eating beets. The funny thing is, nobody likes them. Everyone pretends to like them though. Ha. Teenagers. I pretend to like them too. That one day, I thought that maybe I could start a beet revolution, and impress Patti.

"Everybody, I have a special announcement." I said loudly. The gang of multi-colored classmates looked up at me. "I think its time that we all admit, these beets are nasty."

"No they aren't. My daddy's company grows them! How could you say such a terrible thing, Doug?" Beebe looked pissed.

"Actually, these are nasty. I never understood why we eat them." Patti said. Score. Patty agreed with me.

"You really think so Patti?" I started getting those hearts around my head.

"They are gross!" Skeeter agreed.

"I say we dump these beets into Lucky Duck Lake!" Rodger yelled, leading his buddies over to behind the counter where all the beets are kept. They effortlessly grabbed the bags of beets, and were helped by their peers. Doug, Skeeter, and Patti watched in shock as they all took the beets and walked out the front door with them. The mob returned fifteen minutes later with a few Bluffington policemen and Mr. Bluff. The group of kids looked quite proud of themselves, but the police looked pissed.

"So you're the wise guy who organized this?" Mr. Bluff was pissed.

"He dumped your entire stock of beets daddy!" Beebe chimed in. "I saw him! I was there!" Oh fuck. I was really having an off day.

"Well young man, you'll be paying for this. Beets aren't cheap you know."

"But, how could I pay for this? I only have five bucks on me. "

"I'll speak to your parents for some sort of arrangement on that." Mr. Bluff grinned.

Damn. My day had been terrible. I decided to just walk home after that. The day couldn't get any worse.

"Douglas Yantzee Funnie!" My mother yelled at me when I walked into the front door.

"If it's about the beets, I'll get a part time job or something to pay it off!"

"What beets? I'm talking about that secret you've been hiding in your room!." I really hope she meant the grilled cheese sandwich I had left under my bed. "There was a trail of a certain item from your bedroom to Porkchop's igloo. Right on cue, Porkchop was walking down the stairs with a handful of those Trojan condoms Mr. Dink had given me, and a bouquet of roses. I noticed Porkchop dropped some of them on his way down, adding to that trail. Great.

"Those aren't mine! Honest!"

"Now son, we appreciate that you are at least using protection, but sex is something for married couples to enjoy. You're like a flower, not fully bloomed yet." My dad explained to me. I've had this lecture before, except without condoms everywhere.

"Dad don't give me that puberty talk! I don't know how those condoms got in my room! They're probably Judy's. She's not an unbloomed flower like me. She has boyfriends over here all the time. When in doubt, blame Judy. My parents looked stunned and horrified. Good thing she was away with a Shakespearean theater group.

The day had sucked. I decided to just lie down in my bed and listen to The Beets. And think about Patti, while touching myself.

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A/N: I seriously think that Doug is a horny 11 year old. This is just an episode of how Doug would really be if television wasn't so censored.. Ah, I hope you enjoyed the bit of time wasted from your day to read this and find a little entertainment from it.

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